- Why I Think Online Dating Is Stupid
- Reason #1: Relationship? I Thought You Said Sex!
- Online Dating: Men Don't Get It And Women Don't Understand
- Venue Info
I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the individual, therefore, when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation. It's similar to reading a book and formulating an image of the individual character, visualising how they look, act and sound. However, when watching the film adaption,that illusion maybe shattered when seeing the chosen actor. A classic example of this is the character Christian Grey. I think Internet dating has had it's day. The genuine, quality individuals that once used the site sppropriately have left and made way for trolls and sleazy individuals.
Oh well, that's life. Each time I have tried I have always regretted it and always felt that I was selling myself out and putting myself up for a fall. It's a little soul distroying, particularly if you get no responses or the only responses are from sleazy, older individuals that sent you a generic message. It's unfortunately similar to a "meat market" where you are judged on your looks rather than your merit. I find also that the prolonged emailing of a "potential match" is a bad idea as it allows you to formulate a picture of the person and when you eventually meet in person, that individual does not live up to your expectation.
It's like reading a book and visualising what the individual character would look and act like, and having that illusion shattered when you see the the film adaption where the actor is not what you visualised It is scarier than loneliness. What if the nice person gets serious and it is hard to get away? But online dating is not dating per se, but meeting someone who could exude the same vibrations as you. You don't immediately strip down to your undies to anyone you meet online. In fact meeting online is probably even a better way of getting to know each other before having and eyeball-to-eyeball.
I've come to discover that online dating is a scam. If you've ever browsed the Craigslist personals, it isn't about dating; It is the passive form of Craigslist. Where Craigslist is the left brained masculine aggressive ads of prostitution—dating sites are no different. They are the right brained feminine passive ads of prostitution.
If you are a real person looking for real love, and you are unaware, you could enter into the world of fantasy hooking up and believe it to be reality—winding up raped, manipulated, and abused. I agree with your hub to an extent, although I also agree with your point that there are exceptions.
One of my best friends met her husband online and they have 2 daughters and a happy marriage. None of my online dating experiences turned into anything more than a few dates, though. I do have some pretty funny stories that came out of it. I ended up meeting my husband at church. In my experience, meeting online is tough because you don't have the benefit of mutual friends and acquaintances, etc, and I agree with you that people do often lie and misrepresent themselves. To each their own, I guess, but it wasn't the right path for me.
I agree with this article and it is spot on,get used to rejection and also being able to reject someone. I'm actually a pretty woman and in great shape my biggest hurdle is that I am conservative and yes most of these guys are looking for hookups. I state this in my profile and men still try, the worst is when they shame me and say I am no fun, I'm beginning to think men prefer whores.
Those complaining about the people they find on dating sites should also look into their own behaviors, what they're writing in their profiles, how they're responding to people, and how their personal filters are working. I've always been able to find massively intelligent, kind, grounded, and real men online OKCupid, mostly , as have many of my girlfriends. I'm married to one right now, as a matter of fact. I wrote him, which is not my usual style, but it sure as hell paid off in this instance.
But it takes a lot of patience and you need to put out there what you want in return. I also agree with the author that getting addicted to it is hugely dangerous, just being addicted to FB, your iPhone, etc. Not all men are like what is described in this article. Nor are all women the cliches that are easy to think. I'm a shorter guy, and all it takes is patience and trying to not get upset by how lame us humans can be. I don't put up how much I make which is a lot because it automatically helps weed out the women I would never want to date.
Little things like that can help. I'm often surprised by profiles I read, then see the woman doing some of the very things she complains about guys doing. Another is to not set up impossible expectations based on the false romantic tinsel that we all grow up on in this country of ours. That's not a bad thing at all; it's reality. Once you accept that, you have a better shot at both online dating and staying with someone you meet.
People window shop forever online, which is the biggest problem with it. People also think that there's always something better than what they have, something better just around the corner. This is a basic human condition, unfortunately, but it can be worked around. I've had a few truly amazing relationships from women I met online. They didn't work out but we're all still friends, and there's no difference between the amount of breakups and divorces on the offline vs. I'd been to different online sites since , and on my first year of being in there lets say I did found a few real men, some of them are my good friends.
But I am not looking for friends, I am looking for a Boyfriend, but all I got was false hope and scams and lies. So I minimize my logging in to the dating sites and on I met a guy. He is a nice guy and a member of a Christian Community. Though he is not into social media sites our communication is kind of old fashioned way.
He sent me a post card last year for my birthday, and we still talked with each other until now through text message or email. I don't hope for the real one between us because I might get disappointed, if life favors one day and it will come true I will be greatful. But if not it will be fine with me. Love comes when you least expect it. I run and own my own business and I study aswell but I always find a balance for a social life.
I have always tried in relationships but it's usually after months I truly find out who those men are truly like then it ends up in a break up because it was a lie. Advertising of dating sites is bs and should check their members better. It's here to stay whether we want those changes it brings or not. So I'm glad to see all this conversation and wish more than 1 in 5 long lasting relationships were people meeting online.
I loved the slow nurturing way of old fashioned dating. But times change and now we do internet dating. If you're expecting a text message, it's still a kind of "date. No substitute for eye contact which can tell you all you need to know. If you go into the online dating thing, just know you're taking a chance and that the imagination is much more active than reality is. Nice looking people are not always as nice as they look on the outside and getting to know someone is not as easy as sending off a text message. Our society needs to be comfortable to be single or you can't be comfortable with someone else as well.
Most "men" in "real" life just want to hook up with a girl so he can bang her that same night. If it's such a concern, then why make it possible? In this day and age, technology has advanced rapidly, so why not use it? It's perfectly alright to go on Facebook using a smartphone, so why shouldn't it be ok to meet someone online and have a relationship with them? It sucks that you're apart, but from an emotional point of view, it can be life changing. If you arrange to meet up at some point, that would kick ass.
In this day and age, it's not such a big deal. I met someone too that I'd like to meet. Doesn't matter if you meet in "real" life or not, what matters is that you trust each other and bond with one another. I wish I read this two years ago when I was going through a bad patch of dating online. Sadly where I live they are no men so the only choice I had was to go online. But after three disastrous meet ups I would never consider doing that again. I'm happier alone and if I'm destined to be alone then so be it.
Excellent hub and very good valid points. Yes, it's still best to meet someone in the real world by doing something you enjoy -- playing golf, taking a cooking class, reading at the library, or performing in community theatre. Online dating definitely favors those who are attractive and extroverted. If you're an older women 40 plus , it's especially disheartening because the men your age want someone 20 years younger! I myself never tried the online dating scene but I think the bar scene was just as bad.
I love what you shared about people always looking for "attractive" people. This tends to be how society rules the world. I think people are much more fascinating when they allow themselves to just be who they are. If you can't find people that want to be with you, do a self examination. If there are changes that better you, meaning, you ditch the negative thinking that drives people away, then make the change. Don't ever change who you are, just because you think you aren't good looking enough. It's too bad that the guys who've had bad experiences with online dating can't somehow meet the ladies who've also had the same bad experiences online!
Where can good single men and women find each other if they're not venturing online? Women stay with men that abuse them and treat them like shit, its almost as if they want that, id rather be single than date some ratchet masochest or some woman that thinks they're better than me because they got a lil money. Thanks for writing this article.
Why I Think Online Dating Is Stupid
Bottom line, online dating is not what it was when some of these commenters met their loves. If you have a brain and are not looking for a hookup online dating can damage your view of society. It would be nice if more people let the few good people that are seriously seeking relationships to get out of their houses and stop waiting for an email saying here I am.
Thought you had read my mind. What an interesting take on this subject I'm just beginning to forage my way into the world of dating again and I'm not really sure where to begin. I guess online sites are NOT the way to go huh? I think you are right.. Online dating is a very bad idea. Almost everyone is fake. I always tried to stay away from online dating sites. I didn't blame you. I simply said that "if" this is true then There are tons of people on these sites who are impatient and get bored with whatever "get to know you" strategy exists and want to quickly move to face to face.
Others don't put effort into asking questions that might reveal something about the person's character and are more interested in how funny he is or whether or not he also likes to go hiking. This certainly can account for the negative experiences a person has had on dating sites. It's your job to figure out if that's you, not mine. Most people have difficulty honestly evaluating themselves to try to figure out how much of their negative experiences in life is something they can actually control and fix. I just don't think it's a very balanced assessment.
The upside is that I don't think the majority of your readers are necessarily looking for a balanced assessment. Humans love to commiserate. In my opinion, sometimes what we need isn't what we want. I'm sorry you feel that my hub is "arrogant. I do not write hubs to tell people what to do, they are free to do as they wish and even if I did, so what?
People can make up their own minds. The point of this hub is to share my experiences with online dating that show the uglier side of it. I have a right to do that. I also find it interesting that you essentially blame me for my bad experiences. Did you read my profiles? Did you monitor my actions on these websites?
Because if you did, then you would be qualified to judge my "efforts" and why I had the experience I did. There definitely are men online who are looking for an actual relationship. I was one of them. I met someone online and we are happily married now with 3 kids. I would argue that the quality of the candidates online is no worse than that found out in the "real world". Online sites give you an opportunity to vet the other person before you meet, which I found to be incredibly valuable. This works in your favor, because people who are just trying to have sex won't have the patience for significant back and forth emails or the wade in slowly model you find at eHarmony.
If you're not putting effort into vetting your "candidates" then that may be a significant reason why your experience was so bad. This is a great thing in disguise. In the dating world, the sooner you find out about a person's character flaws the better! When you catch one lying or being generally shallow or scummy, say "thank you" and walk away! They just did you a huge favor! Instructions on how to write an interesting profile that catches someone's attention is not at all the same thing as instructions on how to be someone else.
It's just not the same thing. If those instructions bleed into emails, phone calls, and face to face then that's problematic. If it just applies to making a good profile then what's the harm in that? Dating online is not for everyone. Rejection can certainly come at a pretty fast clip because you have so many more potential candidates. In a bar or in life in general , you are rejected just as many times.
You just don't see it or feel it. But, if you are the kind of person that recognizes that people walk away for all sorts of reasons including their own brokeness, you will be less affected by that and this model will work for you. My problem with this article is the message that online dating is for no one.
I think this is a very arrogant statement. It would be better to let people find their own path. I would rather see you share your experience without deciding for them what to do. Hopefully that makes sense. I didn't ever lie in my profile and I actually do look like my pictures in "real life"… With that said is this…. I'm a 31 year old male. It seems many women have a "cyber bubble ego". Meaning that if there not interested they won't message you back. Which is pretty rude, considering most women would NEVER deny you like that in real life, nor would they even get the amount of attention they are getting online once they step out there front door.
It's a security complex of sorts. They like the attention there getting from guys. I'm 6'1' in very good shape. Masters degree, great job and have my life together well. The dates Ive been on were ALL jokes. Within the first 15 minutes the women were already lying about something. One said she was 28 years old, ended up being 35 years old and still married living with her husband. Go figure, meet this girl up for Sushi. She looked like her picture all was well. Planned on doing something after lunch. When the bill arrives she leaves to the bathroom for over 25 minutes no joke I end up paying the bill.
She finally comes out and says "ooohhhh my girlfriend said she needs to meet up with me" I need to go to her house… Well she left her I-phone on the table and I could see her text messages as she was going through her purse. Online dating is a pathetic joke. Seems like it's for desperate people who are lazy in all honesty being blunt.
I realized the signs to finally remove myself from online dating and do it the real and right way. I have found online dating to be inconsistent and mostly frustrating. It's interesting how women who write so positively of themselves find themselves on these websites for months, if not years. For the person who is genuine, honest and is truly interested in finding ONLY one person, it's a daunting task. Women seem to love and thrive on all the attention and if they're narcissistic, well, they're in heaven. For the simple man hoping to meet someone, they have to 'compete' with numerous others for women who would normally not get all the attention in a non-online dating avenue.
One women mentioned that she didn't like all the attention because she couldn't imagine the 30 guys standing in front of her at one time who emailed her that day alone! It's superficial and used by most men and women as an ego boast with artificial ramifications. All a woman has to do is place a pic with herself with puckered lips and wham-o, hundreds of idiots will comment.
What is most hurtful is to find out that a women who you believed was only dating you, is still maintaining a profile and enjoying the attention. It's artificial and creates a false-sense of confidence thinking that just because many people view your profile or 'want to meet you' that you are now the talk of the town. I did meet a women online and dated for several months, only to find out that she still maintained an active profile and had over emails present when she accidently shared a pic from an email on her account.
Trust is everything in a relationship and with all the social media and tricks people play hiding information from those they are involved with, it's a nightmare being in the dating world of modern technology. Just as you can meet a liar or a guy only looking for sex at a bar, work etc. Online is a bit of a minefield. People do lie or 'exaggerate' shall we say. I had dates where the guys said they were 'intelligent, tall, witty, charming, good looking, funny'. Some are just plain odd, never had girlfriends, they would have no chance in a bar, so you have to wonder why they are online.
You would think it was easy, it does all the work for you pictures, interests, no awkward opening line. But guys mess around too. Some endlessly view your profile, don't have any text or pictures, wink or don't make the first move. Then you exchange and couple of emails and they disappear! You want to look attractive and interesting, guys just make smutty comments or ask you out for a drink without really getting to know you.
Shame there isn't a way to filter less serious people. Especially when you are paying for the privilege. I'm a smart, attractive, funny, easy going, brunette with a lot to offer, but I don't get that much attention. Guess guys are going for the younger, easy blonde bimbo types. I am looking for a relationship not sex or casual.
Reason #1: Relationship? I Thought You Said Sex!
What has happened to men I wonder? Excuse me, but I didn't choose to meet up with someone to have a one-night stand Does a woman ask to be raped? I am not blaming men, but rather warning women that not everything is as it seems on these dating sites based on my own personal experience. Men do that too, they go for the hotties and complain they don't get responses.
Both genders are at fault. Sorry to hear about your experience Linda, but even when you meet the old fashioned way, you still need to be wary until you feel certain you know the other person well! You are spot on with every observation you've made. I have experienced ALL of that and more with on-line dating websites. I have done the long-distance thing and ended up discovering down the road that "my boyfriend" was "dating" 5 other women long-distance , as well as sleeping with several women living in close proximity to him , all while LIVING with a woman!!!
I am for meeting the "old fashioned way" I met my wife online 6 years ago. In fact it's reported that 1 in 5 new relationships began online. Online dating is just another option or tool for meeting new people. The internet did not invent liars and cheaters! The same people you'd meet online also go to the grocery store, beaches, parks, concert halls, nightclubs, universities, malls, and churches. At the end of the day you are responsible for the choices you make. Don't blame the tool! Another common mistake people make is they assume all dating sites are the same.
That's like believing staying at a Motel 6 is the same as staying at The Ritz Carlton hotel because they both offer cable TV and have beds. You have to do your research. Avoid the "free" or super cheap sites if you want to increase your odds of meeting a "quality" person. Last but not least take your time and get to know people. Use the same commonsense you'd use with meeting a stranger anywhere else. Ok so you think that there are liars only online, and that there are no liars in real life?
Have you tried a dating site? It works for some, not for others. If your ego is fragile, I suppose it is not the best avenue to meet a potential partner. I never really was vested in how a date turned out. Just tried to be open. I had a couple of nice dates. One guy decided to go home and take a nap when I told him I didn't do casual sex. The dates turned out that there was no mutual interest, or the guy was interested but I was not.
A couple of guys lied about their height. I am an attractive woman and in good shape, so I was in pretty high demand. But, I didn't meet anyone who was a good fit. Although, a couple of the guys were really nice, and one will most likely remain my friend. If you truly don't go in with the agenda that this HAS to be 'the one' and you can not get caught up in fantasy and just meet people, it is fine.
Ultimately, I ended up getting back together with my ex boyfriend neither of us ever got over the other , so my experiment with on-line dating came to an end. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it.
Online Dating: Men Don't Get It And Women Don't Understand
It is just another way to meet a person, and if you aren't in an area or profession where it is easy to meet people, it can work. I've never felt the need for it, but I understand what you are saying. By the same token, perhaps I should stay away from Hubpages as well? There is no room in my life for liars or deceivers. Life's just too short for that kind of enterprise. Actually, many women tend to put younger, thinner photos of themselves up I've talked to men who have had these experiences, and I asked them what the women said after they saw that clearly the woman lied about her weight, age, etc.
They told me that these women thought that maybe the guys could get past their appearance and like them based on the conversations they had previously or something along those lines. She was 19yo at the time and I married her years later. While in my 20's I was one of the "nice" guys who rarely could get a date, this was pre-online dating. While I spent a decade overcoming my shyness the "alpha" dudes were pounding the young women left and right, pump and dump, ignoring the masses of nice guys who could not compete for one reason or another, shyness, etc.
Sad but true and an example of "Youth is wasted on the young women ", who don't know by experience how to make the best use of their youth PLEASE, Ryan - tell me that your entire article was a facetious ramble that was written late one night after you had consumed way too many drinks. Yeah - like two quarts of proof rum! I have never read a less informed article on inter-net dating. You have the sheer audacity to state that what you have written is 'the whole story'?
You state this, based on two interviews? You, my friend, are naive, foolish and ignorant beyond belief. I would have more confidence asking a street sweeper to conduct a triple bypass on someone's heart than to rely on your advice on dating. Finding a match on an online dating site takes a lot of work, especially since most sites today are overrun by scammers. That said, for most people who are no longer in school, they are probably still the best 'focused and pro-active' option. Yes, you are likely to be disappointed, to be hurt along the way, but then I suspect that even though you were married before you left school, you still had your heart broken once or twice before you met your wife.
And yes, it is possible to meet people in church, at meet-ups and other special interest activities. However, a good many people you will meet in any of those places have no interest in finding a new partner. Pay close attention to what I have written my good sir - you married young and have only been married 15 or so years. That's a bit harsh isn't it? What's Ryan ever done to you apart from waste a few minutes of your time reading his article..
That poor guy might not have all the answers but his article still provides food for thought - in my humble opinion please please don't bite my head off for it! And while I had the same reaction as you, that ironically one day Ryan too might end up on a dating site, I really wish for him that he does not because dear god it is an ugly parallel dimension! Ryan, may your happily ever after last forever! We're already planning the places we'll be traveling together during our retirement. But thanks for offering your perspective.
Happy to hear of your success. All the best to ya and many more happy memories come your way! I have tried online dating on and off for a year, 2 years after my divorce. Met a few in real life. First one seemed decent, professional, fit and all but too arrogant and thinks he's perfect. Second guy almost stalked me so poof, I was gone! Third, I actually ended up dating.
Normal looking guy with a decent job and seems to be responsible but way too insecure. Currently talking to someone for 4 months now, the very last one I met online. I don't know where this is going but I don't worry whether it works or not. I am the type who lives in the moment. We talk everyday and are getting along very well. But I have deleted my account online, not because of him but because the people I saw on one site are the same people I have Encountered on another.
Same creeps who thinks they are 10 just bec they are muscular. I am well toned but never considered myself a Most people online think so highly of themselves but once you start talking to them, red flags started to come out.
Pictures are so outdated, like 10 years or so ago And those are just some issues I have encountered. People online are serial daters. Call me old fashion but once I start dating someone regularly seeing him , I don't entertain any other men. I feel like I am not giving this one a fair chance if I do.
But most people online don't think that way, they think they always have a "reserve" so they don't take one person seriously and wolf easily let go of one. I don't blame them as there are too many people online to choose from. So good luck to all online daters! I think the most relevant thing you say is people are serial daters. Most people I meet online, especially the hot ones, are some of the most insecure people I've met Makes em feel better.
I just want to meet a girl I could be friends with before I start dating her. It is nice to get a male and female perspective on their expereiences. I never thought I would be trying online dating at my age over I am from the old school world of dating and have found online dating to be awkward and uncomfortable, not a fun way to meet people.
I put up a direct, honest profile, stating what I was looking for on more than one different site. It has been extremely hard to find honest, genuine guys locally. I get turned off by guys calling me gorgeous, not saying more than hi, instead of simply asking questions to let me know that they are seriously interested in getting to know me. When a guy does write me to say something more than "Hi," I have found out that a lot of guys have had their own drama with women.
I hear the same thing over and over: Once you finally find someone who is looking for the same kind of relationship as yourself, you find you are both very skeptical of each other. I have only been able to go on a hand full of meet and greets only to find no connection. So, I too am trying to find outside interests to get away from the social media and hopefully, find the kind of relationship I am looking for.
Trying to remain hopeful and realistic. I also do not want to settle, as that is unhealthy, dishonest and not fair to both parties. I wish everyone the best of luck in searching for that special guy or lady! Since I've never been married, outside of a few long term relationships, I've been dating offline and online for a long time.
They get hundreds of emails, and a lady you may have met at the gym who is a 5, thinks she's a solid 8 online. In the last year alone, I've met 4 women who said they were divorced but were really separated all with really unique stories as to why their divorce wasn't final. Turns out, 3 of those 4 had family violence felonies pending against them! The 4th, I should have got up and walked out after she started talking.
Not only did she lie about the little things on her profile, like having a degree, her occupation, and marital status, but she was a solid 2 compared to her pictures. What did all the women I've met online have in common, a solid relationship with their phone. Now I call them out on the phone issue and I don't care what they think of me. If you can't take 30 minutes or an hour and put your phone in your purse or leave it in your car like I do, then stay at home browsing, FB, POF, Match, Instagram, or whatever else is the in app. I think you're giving women far too much credit.
Granted there are guys out there that are creeps and they probably never leave the house and use somebody else's pictures, but I'm willing to bet they're few and far between. I see no reason that a decent looking woman has to resort to online dating , unless she is super busy which i beleive is a great alternative for a busy person.. Essentially playing the role of the opposite equivalents of their male trolls , jerks and perverts You know what I'm a nice guy who's romantic, successful, and respectful and I get passed by and ghosted once things start to get real.
I think women like the idea of a relationship but have horribly overblown expectations. The three things I keep coming across are women who have no time to commit, just broke up recently and shouldn't be dating or they think far too highly of their prospects. Close your eyes picture the perfect guy now open them.
If you were that perfect guy would you settle for you? Having tried internet dating and meetup, I personally prefer "live and in person" approach to finding a match. Here is a point by point breakdown of the two different approaches. Dating sites -spend a lot of time setting up a profile which you hope will convey my personality and attract interesting guys -answer some multiple choice questions with four answers, none of which actually work for me really, I have to choose between a.
I just want sex b. I'm okay with sex on the second date c. I always wait for the third date before having sex d. I'm a complete prude who will never ever ever have sex.? Hey, since I'm definitely not comfortable with the whole casual sex thing, I guess I must be a complete prude. Now I'm feeling really great about myself! Okay, I'm interested in guys within a km radius, between , looking for a relationship, between , doesn't smoke, between , is single, between Yeah, I got a bunch of "hey sexy!
Look through some more profiles, send a few more messages. Show up, and the evening starts off really nice This guy doesn't seem to get it that I'm not that into hearing ghost story after ghost story. Okay, now he's trying to talk me into going to some dark secluded area on a ghost hunt What female in her right mind goes to a dark, secluded area with a guy she's just met?
The whole internet dating experience is highly unpleasant. Meetup groups -create a profile, upload one picture, answer a few questions about interests, and I'm good to go -okay, let's see what meet ups are happening in my area. Join meet ups -pick an event that works with my schedule, show up for an evening of board games at a pub -have a nice meal out, play some fun games, meet some nice people.
Hey, I didn't meet the love of my life, but at least I had some fun, right? Meet a nice guy, exchange emails Plus, meeting people in person just feels more natural. I've gotten to speak with a few women, but only have met one outside of the digital world and we found that we didn't really connect. Which is my main problem thus far with the sites; lack of connection. I can think of plenty of reasons why women wouldn't respond to me, but for those who do, we just can't seem to connect. Eventually, we seem to run out of things to chat about, and the conversations die off. I want to approach women in the real world, but I get in my own way as a shy nerdy introvert who has a roommate read, doesn't have a private place to take a girl back to, if they were so inclined.
It's a lie that there's someone out there for everyone. After all, if that were true, there wouldn't be so many lonely people out there. Guess I need to just drop the sites and focus on trying to make myself happy in life without romance. Nature didn't takes it's course as it did over That just doesn't work, period. She can be however interested if you got a smooth talk and decent pictures. Most of the time a woman is not self aware of what she wants and gets bored with the chat because they thrive on emotion, unlike us men. But in the end you need to be your own man in the real world and become the best version of yourself.
Attraction is not a conscious choice, meaning a women can't control to who she is attracted to. Just take care of yourself, read self improvement books. Go buy "Mind lines" from Michael Hall and educate yourself to create a healthy view of the world and stay away from negative news and media. I've been on Plenty of fish, okCupid, and Zoosk since November.
It is now April. On PoF, I got lots of views, but the only message was an offer to sell me drugs. On okCupid, I didn't even get but a few views, and no messages at all. On Zoosk, I got lots of views and lots of winks, but only from guys out of the state, and again, no messages.
On Zoosk and PoF, I even tried messaging guys first, but no responses. Almost all of friends married guys they met on these sites, but I have no idea how they did it. It's like you're describing my experience on the dating sites. I sit down, think of witty things to write to guys, and I get nothing back. One evening, I read like 10 profiles, made custom messages that I felt were well thought out. This is on both OKCupid and Match.
I do have one guy on OkCupid though who likes to send me dick pics I've met my girlfriend on a dating site. But I've read literally hundreds of profiles, contacted dozens of women, went to a dozen of a really bad dates before I've found someone. The problem is you're messaging guys out of your league. Close your eyes and think of the perfect guy now open them.
Would you as that perfect guy settle for you? I'm not messaging guys out of my league. I don't want a guy that's super fit and looks like a movie star. I want a guy that I'm attracted to, but that I'll feel comfortable around. Eventually there would be sex, which won't happen if I'm too self-conscious or if I'm grossed out at the thought.
So if I dream up my perfect man, he's going to be a little hefty, he's going to have a receding hairline and his face won't be clean shaven, he's going to wear comic book characters tshirts, he's also not going to be hugely successful, but he'll have his act together, he'll be well educated, and sarcastic, and a little bit dark, and if I were that guy, yeah, I'd date me because I'm pretty sure if I were a guy, this is the guy I'd be.
I think perhaps you're reflecting your own insecurities and prejudices on others. Kim, if you're not getting replies, you simply aren't attractive. I'm not being mean just being real. Don't kid yourself for the sake of saving your ego. I agree with you, Kim. It's the men who are delusional. I'm an average looking 35, slim but not gorgeous woman and I've had terrible luck online.
Men DO assume that women have it made on dating sites, and we can just sit back and let the decent messages roll in. It's only the women who are under 30 and look like models who can do that. I started online dating when I was 26 and a size 3. It didn't work for me much better than it does now. Men who look like George Costanza think they deserve Jessica Alba. And, will ONLY message the super hottest women out there.
While we try to message guys in our own age range, with a similar level of looks and intelligence and get ignored. It's a waste of time and I am so done with it. There are some very interesting posts here. For the ladies I would say I'm sorry that you have to put up with so many rude, insulting, crass men and their messages. Very unfortunate, but most likely the culmination of a cultural whirlwind that has swept over the land the last 50 years or so.
I typically respond to messages from women that I have no interest in and do so in a polite manner, encouraging them to stick with it as it takes time to find the right person online. However, I don't think the online dating model is productive, for all the reasons mentioned in the posts below. And to those that say that millions of people have met and married via online dating sites, I say prove it with hard data, not conclusory statements bereft of evidence.
In my case, I've had several dates from these sites. The first gal profiled herself as The next gal was very nice and I had met her at a gym that we both were members several years back. Very attractive woman, but I was sure that I would be happy being with her every day for the rest of my life. I could have continued into a relationship with her just for companionship and sex, but that's not who I am.
I have to be convinced that I am falling in love with a woman, or could do so, before I am willing to fall into bed with her. Old school, I guess. That last gal messaged me relentlessly. She stated in her profile that she was "curvy"she was not, she was obese. Now here's the interesting thing. Like most other men here, I don't get a lot of message responses via online dating. But if I go out to meet women, I will get approached by fairly attractive women 20 years my junior, routinely. For some reason, I don't get approached by women within 5 years of my age or unattractive women.
I don't have to do any of the work. And again, they could end up being friends with benefits, if I were so inclined. But again, the issue is do I want to wake up to this woman every day for the rest of my life. So far, the answer has been no so no sexual activity occurs subsequently. I have thus concluded that real life, 3 dimensional contact is vastly superior to online dating if you are searching for a mate. You get to examine the product up close and personal, and you're not confronted with them whipping out their photo album to show you 18 pics of them skiing, hang gliding, with their pets, their kids, grandchildren, or ex's.
And conversation actually ensues without a question questionnaire. Best of all, you don't have to travel 30 miles to be disappointed. I'm out of material for now. I met my guy. We have friends who met their partners on line If you havent met anyone after a few months then it is not the flaw of on line dating or the other gender. Why is it that many of the men or women behind those profiles you flip throgh have found success? People ARE meeting in person.
YOU are the issue. You may be the greatest catch in the universe but YOU need to shake up your profile, message style, responses, etc. Dont just tweak a few variables but start afresh. Haha, isn't that funny, the guys profile needs to be shaken, as usual is the guys fault. I have done online dating, for a good while, and met people, got some short relationships, out of it. One of the main issues are, a guy needs to send loads of emails to get very little replies from women. The other issue is due to women having to make nearly no effort, as are mainly the guys who contact them.
So, all they need to do is look at the photos and choose, without even bother to read the emails, deleting them straight away. All because they think with so many guys contacting them, there's always a better one just about to appear! The other issue, is how quick they are at labelling guys, any little thing he said she didn't like or goes how she thinks he should have approached her he is a creep a weirdo etc. Man, I totally feel you.
But I think probably there is some other issue because I followed all the possible tips and i have never ever even thought about saying "ur hot" or stuff like that and I only met a girl who wanted to find a man to get a passport to stay in the country after several years. As if they were so much more special that we have to go beyond the moon not to even get an answer, because their "emotional" brain I am sarcastic about both labels you in two seconds. I think it is really too simple for them at least too many of them and what does that say about their ability to approach real difficulties in relationships and life?
Women dont send dick pics to guys. That's why we are not creepy. If men didn't immediately make everything sexual they might have better luck. I never get guys that ask me about my interest or hobbies. A lot of the men are their own worst enemy. Guys rant in their profiles. They have few good clear photos or they choose photos with other women in there and dont crop them out.
Most guys put very little effort into their profiles and then they are shocked women aren't interested. A lot of men come across as bitter, self-absorbed, shallow, perverted, womanizer. They can be the nicest person but if they display any of those qualities they wont get the time of day.
You know why men on dating sites are like that? Because after weeks or months of sending deeply thought out, interesting messages to women with shared interests and trying to talk about those interests, only to get completely ignored or get a one line reply and then nothing, most of us realized there's just no point in wasting time.
In fact, I found this article by googling "why do women never want to talk about common interests on dating sites", trying to figure out why this is the case. From all my experience it seems clear to me that all women want are cheap thrills from a hot "bad guy" - nice, interesting guys with common interests don't tickle their libido so we get ignored. Women get some creepy comments but some nice comments too. Men get no responses and are wasting their time on money on these sites. Men don't get responses because they have a failure to communicate and they don't type so how do you communicate when you don't type the internet bathing system requires one to know how to type and if you pack it gets boring waiting on someone to respond back to you.
Then again unfortunately there are so many women now that are either gay and or bi adding to the problem too. As an internet busybody I hope to add my contribution to this awesome topic that has baffled the greatest and the not so great. The trend I see in most of the comments is Women siding with women and men siding with men, with few exceptions. Lots of people list personal anecdotes and use it it to generalise to what the real issue is. To me, after giving a lot of thought to this matter as a result of my own dating frustrations on Tinder, match , OK Cupid, and PoF.
I think the problem is a matter of choice. The ballooning of choice that internet dating has brought on now means we are no longer satisfied with our current options until our hands are forced. In the old days,people just met partners I. School, at church or at work and found a way to make it work. Now you have a seemingly unlimited supply of partners. Even when you find one that is good enough, the current societal conditioning not to settle for anything for the best, or 'the one' just means the search continues.
The 'top ' as in the most desirable of both sexes on these sites go on dates upon dates and most of them never quite find what they are looking for. Making us all a little more shallower as a whole. Also, the modern individual is a little more narcissistic than ever. This gives a lot of us a false sense of our worth as people. This leads most young men and women to casually date till they wake up in Late thirties and early forties with a sense of urgency to find somebody anybody. I do not know how we can solve the dating problem but it's a problem both sexes have. Even Ladies on bumble the pro-female dating app aren't having much luck either.
Don't know why but it seams to be very logical. That's a lot of competition. And those guys that get picked don't have to settle at all, why would they? That's why women complain. They simply pick guys that they can't "afford". Women and men do exactly the same thing, they drop less interesting people as soon as possible. The difference is such that women drop guys before they meet them, guys drop women after they have sex with them.
It's the same outside the online world but on much smaller scale. The more attractive 50 stayed together not because they were never interested in opposite sexes, oh no, exactly opposite, they had very interesting encounters. They are just cool and every woman wants them. So I just got this thought. Maybe the whole idea with monogamy is just an absurd? Maybe everything is all right but we are looking at it from wrong perspective? Maybe handsome guys should have many women and many kids and ugly guys should go to war and die? I've been on Plenty of Fish quite sometime and a few other dating websites, I'm a genuine guy, who will make an interest in reading and talking about interests.
Yet get very few replies, but I have had people say I'm a good looking guy. The biggest problem with dating websites, is ratio, there is more men then women on dating websites Go in chatroom's and you will see probably about men to every women in these chatrooms. Dating websites, is a bit like a competition at least it seems like that, where you're competing with everyone else.
I set up an experiment once, just to see one of the reasons, why guys might struggle on these sites I set up a female profile, with permission using a female friends photo's. Within minutes of setting up the profile, creating a fake bio Within half an hour, that profile had an incredible 75 messages from different guys, most put no effort in their messages or asking for one thing.
Sadly if that's the case for a lot of girls getting so many messages, I can understand why so many of us guys struggle on these sites to get replies. Another thing is and I have noticed it on quite a few of these female profiles, is the unrealistic expectations certain women set themselves. In the process extremely limiting her picks and possibly excluding somebody who's a bit shorter that could be the best partner for her. We all have expectations but it's those unrealistic expectations sometimes that I think is another thing guys have to compete against and why these women are single themselves, the knight prince on horse back doesn't exist in real life.
He comes to the village, impregnates all young women and goes away. Then he comes back next year. Women are programmed to have children with the best men they can find. I'm not blaming anyone. The rest of life is a bunch of different stories, some are funny, some are happy but half of them are sad. And now because of the computers are running dating scene, we have data to prove it. I think that this is first stage, we just noticed that something is wrong.
That was actually very smart experiment. Majority of these men are chasing after women that are not in their league. That explains why as a single 35 year old female with no children that I constantly get messaged by 19 years olds, 54 year olds, guys with 3 kids, and other men where we dont share the same values and ANY common interests. I am also approached by men in other states that want me to pick up and move for them.
I've clarified that I'm not interested in men outside my parameters but many think they can change my mind. They think they are so amazing that if I met them I will fall in love. Many women are different in that if a guy rejects us MOST will just move on to the next. When I reject men they become hyper focused on changing my mind. I wish more people would adopt the notion that if someone doesn't want you that you should just move on.
Even if you change their mind its usually temporary. If I want to have a child of my own and a guy has 3 kids and doesn't want more I'm not going to change my mind. I dont have time to give everyone a chance. If guys stopped messaging women they have no chance with and messaged women they have things in common with they would be better off instead of messaging some hot dream girl that is out of their league. Many of these men get angry and lash out.
And I'm also tired of the overtly sexual messages as well. You've deluded yourself into getting it the opposite way around. You are looking for nothing but hot, single men in their thirties, and so is every other woman on the website. Goes to show what primadonnas women on dating sites are when you can get it all this wrong. But don't go telling someone you've never met she's "way past her prime. I do think it's funny that you label a "hot single guy in his 30s," as tops among men. Let me tell you , they're not all looking for that.
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I'm in my 30s and in great shape best of my life , 6ft tall, friendly, respectful, own a house, two cars, my own business, and vacation around the world. And I still struggle to get women who aren't overweight or who have kids to respond to me! My guess, for whatever reason, I don't photograph very well. And apparently, that's the most important thing.
I've always done much much better meeting people in bars. Honestly, I'd ditch the computer and go back to that in a second, except all of my friends are married and don't want to go out anymore. So, if I go out to a bar, I'm the weird guy out at the bars alone. It's not easy for anybody, unless you look like Brad Pitt. I can't believe the BS in this opinion piece. I've been online dating for years and only once in a blue moon will I receive a "well-crafted" message from a woman. I used bumble and exactly the same experience, usually it's just a"hi" or the equivalent.
Which effectively negates the idea that a woman has to message first because the onus is still on the man to create an interesting dialogue. Well i will certainly have to say that the real good old fashioned women of years ago really did put the women of today to real shame altogether since they were so much nicer with a very good personality as well as having good manors which made it very easy finding real love back then as well which today Most of the women are very Horrible to date unfortunately. It is very difficult for many of us men to start a conversation with a woman since most of them aren't nice at all unfortunately which they will totally ignore us and walk away as well.
Online dating is a real joke altogether since many women will not even show up when you set a place where to meet. So looking for love for many of us good men is like looking for a needle in a haystack which makes it very sad for us since many women nowadays like playing head games to begin with. At least years ago there were really good places to go to meet a good woman for a very good relationship since you had parties, church dances, at school, through friends and families as well as neighbors that would introduce you to someone that they think would be right for you which now it has become very impossible unfortunately.
Man, I totally agree and I am saying this even if I am 30, sporty guy, can cook, have a PhD, write poems, participate in photography contests and earn a decent buck. However I am short, of very clear Italian descendant with baby face and slightly piggy nose and I might strike people as a bit nerdy even if I am very outgoing after you meet me. Even following all the possible tips I almost never got a reply on either OKC or meet.
The fact is after all this effort and not having any glimpse of success I am also thinking that maybe I will not have kids or I will try to relocate on another continent , try to be rich and have fun with my good friends and establish a charity to help people in need also because I earn more money than I need for a single person. And by the way even if all of a sudden some of my efforts would pay off, I am so irritated by years of insuccess that I would not settle for a girl shows some slight interest without putting any effort like all these "queens" on these websites, what can they really do?
Can they sustain all this stress, what do they do? I am currently on Tinder, and have been for about a month. All of the messages I have received from men have been respectful so far. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it has something to do with how I wrote my profile, as well as the pictures I chose to show.
My profile is pretty straight forward, without being bitchy. My pictures are tasteful, and there are also some that show I am pretty jacked. I swear that after I have become more buff, men have gotten a ton more respectful.
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And no, I don't think I'm special because I'm fit, it is just a physicality. I think one very important thing that any female can do, is be straight forward with what you want, but with a trace of ambiguity and openness. This way men feel comfortable enough to state what they really want, which is course paramount when finding someone of any decent quality and character.
Also, this prevents men from molding themselves to what you want so they can get laid. If you receive a pervert message which you will- it's pretty much guaranteed , do not give them any type of reward attention. Simply block, or keep the message so you can remember them, and therefore not be subjected to the behavior again. The way women present themselves provokes how men will react. Alison's comedic, yet sadly realistic, descriptions of the types of men is spot on!
This is a perfect read for a book club, beach read, or curling up with a glass of wine. Alison takes you on an exciting journey inside her entertaining dating experiences. You will be laughing until it hurts! One person found this helpful. This is a hilarious, yet poignant account of online dating. Although I have never done any online dating myself, I thoroughly enjoyed Ms. O'Donnell's candor, humor and "in your face" style of writing. Nothing like it out there! Can't wait for the next book The book is a comical account of the author's online dating experiences.
The author offers helpful advice for navigating the world of online dating while making you laugh at her experiences. Very amusing book on online dating.
I can bet any woman who has tried online dating has encountered many of the men described so well by the author. We might even see some of their characteristics and traits in ourselves! If you're part of the internet dating scene, even if you're married or in a relationship, I believe you are going to enjoy Stupid Cupid.
Written as an anthology of date experiences from one woman's point of view, even the guys are going to find insight into a woman's perspective and even a bit of themselves if they'e honest about it in a few of the stories. Ive only been single a few years after 25 of marriage. All of what I'm reading is on point and necessary to know going into the world of dating online or not!!!!!! Don't be discouraged by what you read, instead empowered, yes!!!! Thank you Alison for laying the ground work. See all 22 reviews. Amazon Giveaway allows you to run promotional giveaways in order to create buzz, reward your audience, and attract new followers and customers.
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